Rethinking resilience, and how to share our problems

 As a student studying A levels, I assumed that stress, as well as the social anxiety in other aspects of my school life was something to be endured and that no one else experienced. It was when I read the mental health articles in the wake of the River Valley incident that I realised that adolescents have issues with coming forth to share their problems. In particular, these comments struck me:1

 

1. “It brings the idea that those who aren’t faring well have some problems and need to see the counsellor, rather than (the idea that) people … want to see a counsellor because of personal reasons,”

 

2. “(The counsellor) said, like, ‘You have all these things, and you need to learn which one to focus on. You only have two years; you need to focus on academics.’ And then I was more stressed,

 

3. “Am I just emotionally weak? If I go to the school counsellor, it kind of means I’m weaker than everyone else.”

 

4. “life’s like that”

 

 

 

These issues could be surmised from the abovementioned concerns:

 

 

1. The concept of weakness

 

2. The concern with how others may view those who attend counselling

 

3. The hesitation of approaching counsellors or parents from personal or other people’s experiencers

 

In this first of the articles, I intend to reconceptualise common beliefs and address differences in how we approach stress: 

 

1. I am afraid of being labelled as weak.

One of the reasons why I withdrew sometimes was because I felt that admitting to stress would be a sign of weakness.Those who demonstrate signs of personal problems in New Zealand are seen as being “weak”, just like in Singapore. Looking back, I think that this is in part, the conservative view that chronic underachievement is associated with a low academic resilience. This is not the fault of teachers or parents, who share a generation gulf and as such, may have different priorities and hence views, but this means that as students, we should not put too much blame on ourselves. The British Psychological Society advocates that in fact academic resilience should be reconceptualised with academic buoyancy, to describe the skill of dealing with isolated poor grades and patches of poor performance.2 What this means is that this should not stop you from approaching counsellors. By seeking help, you can understand why you feel in a certain manner rather than suffer in silence.

 

 

Which brings me on to my next point:

 

 

2. Do not suppress your thoughts!

 

Out of fear that we may be shunned or even ostracised, we may engage in avoidant coping, which is pushing thoughts and feelings about our stressors out of the picture. Sometimes, we may feel that this can resolve our problems, but this is only a temporary solution. For example, during my lead up to my A Levels, I felt helpless because I had to juggle assignments across 5 A levels, but I retreated into watching videos and playing computer games, thinking that this would not only numb my feeling of helplessness, but also would spare my parents emotional pain(because I had confided in them similar problems before). In the end, this impacted my ability, not only academically, but also my ability to enjoy what I enjoyed doing eg reading English literature, exploring chemical reactions in Chemistry, and even just hanging out with friends. 

 

 

 

3. Do not be afraid to approach others-it does not have to include counsellors!

 

If you are afraid of approaching counsellors, do not fret! Here are some of the ways in which you could initiate a conversation with counsellors or parents: 3

 

 

• "Mom, I need to tell you about a problem I'm having, but I need you to just listen, OK? Don't give me advice — I just want you to know what's bothering me."

• "Dad, I need to get your permission to go on a class trip next week. Can I tell you about it?"

• "Grandad, I need your advice about something. Can we talk?"

 

 

 

 

 

If you are worried that you cannot convey your full range of emotions to the person, think about what you want to say and what you are comfortable with saying. Here are some things which you may want to obtain out of the conversation.4

 

• simply listen and understand what you're going through without offering advice or commentary

• give permission or support for something

• offer you advice or help

• guide you back on track if you're in trouble — in a way that's fair and without harsh criticism or put-downs

 

 

 

Alternatively, you could write your thoughts down on a piece of paper or send a text message to your parents or counsellors, if you are afraid of ridicule.

 

 

If you feel like you cannot approach parents or counsellors, do not give up! There are plenty of ways in which you could still seek help:5

 

• Parents

• Brother or sister

• Uncle or aunt

• Grandmother or grandfather

• Teacher at school

• Trainer or coach at sports club

• Neighbour

• An (online) friend

• Councillor at school

• General Practitioner

4. What can I do in the meantime while awaiting help from others?

 

 

Sometimes, you may desperately want an answer from other people to relieve yourself. If that is the case, here are some ways in which you can manage any negativity, either internal or external:6

 

1. Keeping things in perspective. Try to identify areas of irrational thinking, such as a tendency to catastrophize difficulties. I used to do this, but after a while, I realised that this really led to nowhere. When I reflected on what went wrong, and set goals to change them, I started to feel more in control of my life and less anxious.

 

 

2. Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often find that they have grown in some respect as a result of a struggle. For example, after a tragedy or hardship, people have reported better relationships and a greater sense of strength, even while feeling vulnerable. 

3. Maintain a hopeful outlook. It’s hard to be positive when life isn’t going your way. An optimistic outlook empowers you to expect that good things will happen to you. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear. Along the way, note any subtle ways in which you start to feel better as you deal with difficult situations.

 

 

 

In summary, we should not be preoccupied with the end-goal, whether it be grades, or the fact that the bully is always continuously there, but rather with the journey, that is how we, as people, engage our problems!

 

And by the way, according to the University Medical Center Gronigen, most young people do not think negatively about peers with mental health problems, so never be intimidated to share your problems with others!

 

 

Links:

 

 

1 https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/cnainsider/school-counselling-challenge-safeguard-student-mental-health-15350998

 

 

2    https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-28/september-2015/adversity-buoyancy

 

 

 

3   https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/talk-to-parents.html

 

 

4 https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/talk-to-parents.html

5  https://www.futurelearn.com

 

 

6 https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience

 

Note that if you are interested in finding out more about young people and their mental health, this link is to an interactive course which discusses a lot about mental health disorders! On this website is also a lot of similar courses.

 

For parents:

Here are some words of advice from my family Pastor, Pastor Daniel of Moriah Bible-Presbyterian Church.

 

1. Friendship - When a child grows older (towards adolescent), the dynamics of the relationship between a parent and a child changes due to cultural influences and exposures from school and internet. Instead of dictating how a child ought to act or behave, a parent would do well to first befriend their child - to see them as a friend and then subsequently to reason with them as a young adult. 

 

This facilitates trust and respect and adds a new dimension to the existing parenting relationship; the effects might not be seen immediately but when a child grows older (university/early working life), he or she would see the parents as a trusted aide and friend, and often returns to seek their advice on life struggles/issues.

 

2. Modeling - I would rephrase this as authenticate modelling both in public and private. Children are very sharp when it comes to discerning hypocrisy... and parents face an issue when they ask their children to do something yet they themselves do not model that in their private lives. 

 

When parents do not model authenticity in their private life, they lose credibility from their children's point of view. What can parents model for their children? A lot of things... Contentment (vs this achievement culture), a balanced life of rest and work, morality and ethics, etc...  all these seek to reinforce mental and emotional wellness.

 

3) Vulnerability - Perhaps due to our Chinese culture... many parents do not express their weaknesses, frailties or failures to their children. I personally think it is time for a paradigm shift - and for parents to show their children that they themselves are in need of help, to show their vulnerable side. 

 

If parents constantly hide their failures from the children or only show their success/strong side, children will grow up with a perspective that weakness/failures are meant to be hidden, not to be discussed or worked on; and children would never share their failures/or seek the parents help when they need help. 

 

Parents can start to change this mindset/ culture at home simply by 1) apologizing when it's the parent's fault, 2) Sharing their failures/struggles at work with the children (of course with some restrain), 3) If they themselves need to go for counselling (whether church or secular), let the children know, and for them to journey alongside one another.

 

For everyone:

This will be the start of a fortnightly series of articles aimed at helping with youth mental health. Your inputs would greatly benefit, so if there is anything which you would like addressed in the next article, do feel free to leave a comment!